Mother’s Day is frequently a day filled with emotion, especially if your mother is suffering from dementia. Acknowledging the emotion—the joy, the grief, the regret, the love—and creating a plan for the day, transforms it. I gathered some sweet ideas for you, whether your own mom is still with you or not.
If your mom is with you (but not entirely), try these ideas.
Share happy memories about her from the past, reminding everyone who she is.
Celebrate all her senses with her favorite music and yummy scents.
Get a manicure together. (Maybe the grandchildren can do nails for you & grandma!)
Look at a picture album together.
Tell stories from her life where she was funny/bright/successful, etc.
Take an easy trip to a park or a beautiful drive. Just get out of the house.
Simply cherish that she’s still with you, even if the dementia has caused her not to know you.
If your mom has passed away, remember her in one of these ways.
Try out a hobby she loved. Maybe doing so will provide new insight into her.
Repurpose a piece of her jewelry.
Make a donation in her honor.
Frame her handwriting (maybe it’s a recipe card or a note).
Spend time with others who loved her too and enjoy reminiscing.
Celebrate another mother in your life.
Take a break from social media so you aren’t bombarded with Mother’s Day pictures that could make the day even harder for you.
If you anticipate that other family members will be grieving that day too, consider including them in the planning of something.
Whatever the day looks like for you, may you feel love and express love!
Elizabeth Dameron-Drew is the Co-founder and President of Ways & Wane. She walked closely with her own father through his years of waning. She lives near Seattle with her two teenage sons, husband and two rescue dogs. When she’s not working on this platform she’s probably creating books, doing research work or planning a dinner party while listening to the rain and thinking about her next creative endeavor.
One sibling usually takes the lead. How can others get involved?
Sibling relationships as they relate to care for aging parents—t’s pretty much the perfect storm of potential conflict. A dynamic that taps into long-term emotional wounds, inheritance concerns and parental/sibling life memories going back many years. In the midst of the conflict, especially if you feel like you’re the one holding all of the responsibilities, where can solutions and practical coping strategies be found?
Let’s begin by looking at three reasons why siblings may avoid helping with caregiving:
They don’t think/see that there’s a need
They don’t see how they can help
They are afraid of doing a “bad job” or messing up
So let’s break these down into strategic responses…
They don’t see a need. How about…
Send a calendar invite for specific times they can fill in.
Set up a regular whole family meeting (including spouses) to review the situation. Then make a date for the next whole family meeting.
Start a family message thread or a private family Facebook group providing regular updates and encouraging dialogue.
Create a shared google document outlining updates, questions and challenges.
Use a website like Caring Bridge or Lotsa Helping Hands to outline needs
They don’t see how they can help. How about asking them to do something specific, like…
Take over bill paying, banking and/or tax management.
Cover the cost of a bi-monthly housekeeper or helper. (One family I know had all the kids and grandkids pitch in for a year of housecleaning for their great grandma.)
Have a meal delivered every week (or every so often).
Gift a membership (massage, yoga, etc.) for the family member who does most of the care.
Research solutions to various needs, e.g. find a used wheelchair, the best shower chair, etc.
They might be afraid of doing a “bad job” or messing up. How about encouraging based on these perspectives…
Accept siblings for who they are and expect different approaches.
Try to respect other’s perceptions and find opportunities to compromise.
“Decide to believe that everyone is truly doing the best that they can. We’re all a little bit right and a little bit wrong.” – Life Coach Mary Remmes
Assume positive intent.
At the end of the day, we can only control how WE respond. Caregiving isn’t easy, so extra grace is hugely helpful—all around.
May you find joy in loving one another well and assuming the best
Elizabeth Dameron-Drew is the Co-founder and President of Ways & Wane. She walked closely with her own father through his years of waning. She lives near Seattle with her two teenage sons, husband and two rescue dogs. When she’s not working on this platform she’s probably creating books, doing research work or planning a dinner party while listening to the rain and thinking about her next creative endeavor.
No one needs to tell you that caregiving can be all encompassing, but if you are giving 100% of yourself to caregiving for your senior then what is left for your self-care?
And, if you aren’t practicing self-care, it also means there isn’t care for your partner either.
No one wins if you let caregiving cost you your relationship with your partner.
My dad was known to say, “It’s hard to remember that you set out to clean the swamp when you are knee deep in alligator sh#!” In the thick of it, it can be hard to see a way out. Implement these 5 practical ideas, beginning with self-care for you, the caregiver:
Take 15 minutes just for you every day.
University professor and researcher, Francis Lewis suggests that caregivers spend (at least) 15 minutes alone everyday doing something for themselves. Doing so “creates a place for your peace and your joy”. Lewis says, “It might be shooting hoops, it might be calling up friends, it might be having a cup of tea, it may be walking around the neighborhood.” Whatever it is, treat yourself “like company.” Recharge your spirit with a time of meditation or prayer.
2. Include your partner in caregiving decisions.
You may think that decisions only impact you since you’re the caregiver, but it’s likely that your partner is very much impacted by them too. Include them in decisions and ask for their practical help and if they say “no” respect that. You need your “no” respected too.
3. Be purposeful about scheduling regular time with your partner.
Once you’ve scheduled time, honor that time by showing up and being fully present, giving your partner more than just your “leftovers”. Let it be a balanced time of listening and sharing, away from your caregiving role.
4. Show appreciation to your partner. Regularly and sincerely.
Your senior may not be expressing their appreciation to you or for you which may make you feel like hoarding your appreciation words, as though you can keep them for yourself. Be generous about expressing gratitude for your partner, to your partner. Let them catch you praising them in front of others.
5. Connect with a caregiving community.
Investing time in a supportive community group that understands the day to day challenges of caregiving is invaluable. An outlet for your own caregiver feelings and challenges provides you support without your partner having to hold the full weight of that need. Search for eldercare or caregiving groups on Facebook or Reddit.
Are you unable to see how to care for yourself? Are you experiencing the following challenges?
Ignoring own health problems
Not eating a healthy diet for lack of time
Overusing tobacco and alcohol when stressed
Feeling resentful toward the older adult in your care
Holding in feelings of anger and frustration and then being surprised by outbursts directed at the care recipient, other family members, co-workers and strangers
Feeling sad, down, depressed or hopeless Listed by Denise E. Flori, PhD, LMFT If these are your struggles, seek professional help from a counselor.
May you find joy in loving one another really well!
3 Free Senior Tax Tips That Will Make You Feel Really Smart
All of a sudden, I was responsible for my dad’s taxes in addition to my own. I didn’t even know how he usually did them or where to find his detailed paperwork.
He was living with trauma-induced dementia in a small family care home, and couldn’t help answer questions. I sleuthed out the name of his tax preparer, but felt sure it had to be simple enough to file on my own. After completing his taxes for $100 with online filing software, I realized that I could have done it for free with expert help.
With the tax deadline looming, jump on these free tools that are currently available for elder tax assistance.
1. The IRS offers Tax Counseling for the Elderly (TCE). Just enter your zip code to find someone near you to help.
2. AARP Foundation Tax-Aide also provides free tax preparation in different ways – in-person, low-contact, or contact-free – depending on what service is available in your area. Some sites can provide service in one or two visits, or you may not need to visit a site at all, with all interactions taking place online. Brief descriptions of each service type offered at Tax-Aide sites are available by selecting the “Service Types” tab on this AARP page.
3. You can also choose to prepare your tax return yourself, with the use of the free OnLine Taxes software. Its availability can vary by year.
Senior Tax Credit
Check in to the Senior Tax Credit for the Elderly and Disabled. If your senior qualifies, you could take up to $7,500 directly off their tax bill. To qualify, a person must be 65 years of age by the end of the tax year. The IRS also establishes income guidelines for each tax year. Check with a tax professional.
The April 18 deadline is coming up, so don’t wait to reach out to counselors at the IRS and AARP Foundation for questions about your senior’s taxes. If you are caring for a senior in your home, talk to a tax counselor about deductions for related costs and about claiming them as a dependent. The time is now to utilize these free resources for your senior’s taxes.
You know all about your senior’s habits,
but you don’t have to know
all about how to do their taxes.
Debbie McDonald is the Founder of Ways & Wane, an online platform that helps you help your aging parent. She lives in Northern California with her husband.
How do you pay for assisted living
(or in-home care)?
Author Cameron Huddleston discusses surprising ways to pay for assisted living, in-home care or a nursing home. She includes topics like hidden resources and converting life insurance.
Interviewer Elizabeth Dameron-Drew highlights the Digital Social Worker that walks you through various pay options.
The Alzheimer’s Association estimated end-of-life care costs in 2016 were between $217,820 and $341,651.
Sometimes, otherwise healthy loved ones need a short dose of care as they recover from an acute medical episode like a broken leg. Other times a fall triggers a path of steady decline with cascading assistance needs. Skilled nursing or assisted living can become necessary, which can be expensive.
If your senior’s health is faltering, costs not covered by insurance add stress to an emotionally charged situation.
There are three key “aging shocks” that surprise families:
uncovered costs of prescription drugs,
the costs of medical care that are not paid by Medicare or private insurance,
the actual costs of private insurance that partially fills in the gaps left by Medicare, and the uncovered costs of long-term care. –Health Services Research: The 2030 Problem: Caring for Aging Baby Boomers
For the estimated 7 million individuals who provide long distance care, actual out of pocket expenses amount to almost $5,000 per month. For caregivers who have, or are considering leaving the workforce to care for an ailing parent, the costs are even greater—over $650,000 in forfeited salaries, benefits and pensions.
70% of adults who are 65 years old will require some level of long-term care throughout the rest of their life, 2018 – U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
2 years: Average number of years that individuals age 65 and older will have a high long-term care need during their lifetimes.
$350,174: The average lifetime cost of care for an individual who has dementia, 2018 – Alzheimer’s Association
1 in 4: The number of adults who are 45 years old or older who are financially unprepared for long-term care expenses, 2015 – AARP
13% percent of adults will pay at least $150,000 in lifetime long-term care expenses out of their own pocket. 2018 – U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
Discover hidden ways to save money
You can decrease the personal and economic costs of caregiving through careful research and planning. Think about what happens when you go to the grocery store with and without a shopping list. You will feel much better when you know your options and develop back-up plans before you absolutely need to help your senior make a long-term care decision.
Whether you are currently faced with the dilemma of how to pay for long-term care or are planning for the future, these are the steps to systematically approach the challenge:
Review your senior’s assets
Determine potential long-term care cost
Evaluate ways to cover long-term care
Step One: Review Your Senior’s Assets
Identify all sources of income and expenses for your senior by filling out this Asset Calculator. It will help you determine their eligibility for Medicaid.
Find and review insurance policies, including life, medical, home, car, etc.
Find a financial professional to advise you on managing your senior’s assets. The Senate Committee on Aging recommends looking for someone with a financial gerontology certification; however the Securities and Exchange Commission does not endorse any financial advisor titles, like elder specialist.
Ask your employer if they offer financial counseling services.
Step Two: Determine potential long-term care cost.
You can estimate the cost of your senior’s long-term care using this online calculator. When we researched options for my father, this calculator was pretty accurate for where we live in California.
Step Three: Evaluate ways to pay for long-term care.
There are three options to pay for or reduce the cost of long-term care:
government programs,
insurance programs or
personal assets
We will start with reviewing government programs to find out which costs they cover.
According to the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services . . .
Medicare only pays for long-term care if skilled services or rehabilitative care are required:
In a nursing home for a maximum of 100 days, however, the average Medicare covered stay is much shorter (22 days).
At home combined with skilled home health or other skilled in-home services. Generally, long-term care services are covered for only for a short period of time.
Does not pay for non-skilled assistance with Activities of Daily Living (ADL), which make up the majority of long-term care services.
Medicaid (program name varies by state):
Does pay for the largest share of long-term care services, but to qualify, your senior’s income and assets must be below a certain level and they must meet minimum state eligibility requirements.
Ask about federal or state funds available to pay caregivers by contacting the Eldercare Locator. Reach them online or by calling 800-677-1116, Monday – Friday, 9am – 8pm EST. Find your local office number on their website by adding your zip code. They can also inform you about other local caregiving services, like those provided under the National Family Caregiver Support Program.
Call your State Health Insurance Program (SHIP) for FREE advice about Medicare programs. Find the number for your state.
Time to review your senior’s insurance programs.
If your senior has long-term care insurance, call your senior’s long-term care insurance provider to ask about guidelines for paying a caregiver.
If you are wondering if they should get long-term care insurance, check estimates with this online calculator. Advanced age and physical health can affect one’s ability to qualify for long-term care insurance.
If your senior has life insurance, call your senior’s life insurance provider and ask about the following options.
Ask about converting life insurance to a Long-Term Care Benefit Plan Account. By exchanging a life insurance policy for a long-term Care Benefit Plan, the benefits go toward long-term care including assisted living, home health care, and nursing homes. Benefits are deposited into a FDIC-insured benefit account that follows federal and state banking regulations and is held by a nationally chartered bank and trust company. The benefit payments are then made directly to the health care facility on a monthly basis.
Ask about an Accelerated Death Benefit, in which your senior would receive a tax-free advance on the life insurance death benefit while they are still alive.
Ask about the present value of the policy and if it is an option to sell it to pay for long-term care.
Ask about selling the policy to a third-party, called a viatical settlement. This option is only available if the insured is terminally ill with a life expectancy of two years or less.
Time to review their personal assets.
If your senior owns a home, search for an authorized reverse mortgage counselor in your state. A reverse mortgage is a special type of home equity loan that allows you to receive cash (to pay for long-term care) against the value of your home without selling it. There are no restrictions on how you spend the money and you can receive it monthly or in one lump sum. You have to be 62 or older. Here is a helpful Consumer Financial Protection reverse mortgage guide.
Call a financial advisor and ask about a charitable remainder trust. This trust allows you to use assets to pay for long-term care services while contributing to a charity of their choice and reducing your tax burden at the same time. You can set up the trust so that they receive payments from the trust to use for long-term care services while they are alive.
Talk to your employer about covering your senior’s expenses pre-tax on a Flexible Spending Account plan.
Find more answers to your long-term care questions with the help of a Digital Social Worker. Step-by-step you will uncover more answers to pay for your senior’s long-term care so it doesn’t dramatically affect your own accounts.
May you have peace at all times in every way as you help your senior in their waning phase of life.
Debbie McDonald is the Founder of Ways & Wane, an online platform that helps you help your aging parent. She lives in Northern California with her husband.
Does your senior’s nursing home room feel depressing? Did the balloons deflate and the flowers die after a day in the hospital? Does their room in the assisted living facility still look kind of generic even after adding a few photos on the bedside table?
If you feel that way walking in, think how they feel living there.
Sometimes we hesitate to decorate, giving these excuses:
My senior won’t be in this room very long.
The facility restricts what we add to the walls or room.
I don’t want personal items to get in the way of medical staff and equipment.
Overcome your internal excuses and create an atmosphere for healing and joy, even in a nursing home or assisted living facility!
Choose one of these simple products and ideas to transform your senior’s room.
Removable “sweet dreams” decal on the wall in front of the bed wishes them good night
Set up a digital picture frame with rotating pictures
A diffuser with essential oils offers aromatherapy and a warm light. (Not recommended for shared room situations.)
Tack a beautiful poster on the ceiling above their bed. This scene makes you feel as though you are laying in a forest looking up through the trees on a sunny day.
Hanging a quilt on a wall can fill a big blank space and helps create a cozy atmosphere. These quilt hangers attach with removable adhesive strips
The management of a real fish tank is too much, but can be relaxing, so why not try a lamp/virtual ocean fish tank?
Consider some of the benefits of temporary decorating:
Gives you something to do “together.” Bring some paint chips and ask which colors they like. Psychology Today says, “Some colors, like shades of yellow, are like the sunshine. They can boost one’s mood and create a sense of optimism. Shades of blue can be calming. Others, like red or a secondary color such as orange, can be jarring.” Use those colors as you choose decorations. Or ask them which quote they like better for their temporary decal or about their favorite pictures for the lap blanket.
Becomes a conversation starter for staff or visitors.
Creates a welcoming atmosphere. If the decor makes staff and visitors smile, that brings more joy to your senior’s room.
Decorating your senior’s room fills it with personalized brightness and joy. Even if you just choose one of the items above, it can have a compounding effect, which is needed in a nursing home, hospital or assisted living facility.
Want other gift ideas for your senior? Check out these 7 thoughtful presents.
Debbie McDonald is the Founder of Ways & Wane, an online platform that helps you help your aging parent. She lives in Northern California with her husband.
You didn’t expect your parent to show up on your birthday with a gift and a card.
After all, you sometimes wear a name tag so they remember your name. And yet, the first time your elderly parent
forgets your birthday, well, it can be painful. It amplifies the loss happening right in front of you and is a very personal reminder of the new relationship with your parent. For many people, this strikes a painful chord.
To support you in this, here are 5 ideas to help you weather the next forgotten birthday.
Expect your senior to forget and mourn the loss that represents, but don’t stay in that sad place too long.
Print the letter below, put it in an envelope and give it to yourself—from your parent.
Gather all the memories of times your birthday wasn’t forgotten and take time to savor those memories. Maybe take a few minutes and write them down.
Put an extra candle on your dessert, from your parent.
Remember that you are loved, today, tomorrow and yesterday.
Celebrate YOU by sending yourself this card!
The Unsent Birthday Card. . . From Your Parent
You transformed my life with your birth. Hidden in the recesses of my mind, I know it’s the anniversary of your birthday. Somewhere in my mind, I remember your birthday parties, your smiles, your fingers in frosting, the brightly colored cards, your gifts, the yellow crepe streamers, the balloons bouncing, the flickering candles. My love for you was on full display in the way we celebrated your birthday.
Today is the same as two yesterdays ago or two days from now—I don’t know. I count on you to know what day it is. I want to celebrate this birthday for you, but I don’t know where the candles are. So will you find them for me? Will you put an extra candle on—from me to you? (You should probably light it for me too since people get nervous when I have the matches.) And then, when your wish-breath blows the candle out, know that in that hidden place in my mind, my love for you is on full display.
Happy Birthday!
May you find joy in loving one another well today and tomorrow and tomorrow.
Elizabeth Dameron-Drew is the Co-founder and President of Ways & Wane. She walked closely with her own father through his years of waning. She lives near Seattle with her two teenage sons, husband and two rescue dogs. When she’s not working on this platform she’s probably creating books, doing research work or planning a dinner party while listening to the rain and thinking about her next creative endeavor.
Exercises all the time, great home designer, smart as a whip . . . her 79-year-old mom embraced the knee surgery as a ticket to more action. Being the daughter and her mom’s best friend, Cheryl prepped to provide post-surgery care . . . and then the side effects began . . . Listen to the lively interview. You’ll love these two 🙂
Why am I talking about super powers here? Because being a family caregiver is hard. You not only need healthy habits— you deserve them—in order to show up as the best version of yourself.
A key study
Dr. Robert Emmons, professor of psychology at the University of California at Davis, researcher, author and perhaps the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, argues that gratitude has two key components:
It’s an affirmation of goodness. We affirm that there are good things in the world, gifts and benefits we’ve received.
We recognize that the sources of this goodness are outside of ourselves. We acknowledge that other people—or even higher powers, if you’re of a spiritual mindset—gave us many gifts, big and small, to help us achieve the goodness in our lives.
Dr. Emmons performed a study where all the participants were asked to write a few sentences each week, focusing on particular topics. One group wrote about things they were grateful for that had occurred during the week. The second group wrote about daily irritations or things that had displeased them. The third wrote about events that had affected them (with no emphasis on them being positive or negative).
After 10 weeks, those who wrote about gratitude were more optimistic and felt better about their lives. Surprisingly, they also exercised more and had fewer visits to physicians than those who focused on things that irritated or disappointed them.
Claim gratitude as your super power
I’m thrilled that my 80-year-old mother-in-law agreed to join me in a joint gratitude list this year! (It’s just a google doc. that we can both access.) My secret goal is to get to a list of 1,000 “gratitudes” before the end of the year, but I’m holding that loosely since I don’t want to weigh down the activity with rules.
Read Ann Voskamp’s 1000 Gifts for beautiful writing and more inspiration about WHAT to be thankful for.
Have you ever made a point of practicing gratitude?
If not, maybe this is your nudge. There are many journals and apps which provide some structure. Some just have a spot for the date and then a few lines while others have inspiring prompts and adjectives boxes to check which may be helpful if self-awareness is difficult for you.
I’ll tell you who is grateful for you. Your senior. Even if they cannot or will not express it, they are grateful for your kind-hearted, imperfect care in their season of waning.
So what are you grateful for today and . . . will you join me in focusing on gratitude this year?
Mother’s Day is frequently a day filled with emotion, especially if your mother is suffering from dementia. Acknowledging the emotion—the joy, the grief, the regret, the love—and creating a plan for the day, transforms it. I gathered some sweet ideas for you, whether your own mom is still with you or not.
You can decrease the personal and economic costs of caregiving through careful research and planning. Think about what happens when you go to the grocery store with and 
forgets your birthday, well, it can be painful. It amplifies the loss happening right in front of you and is a very personal reminder of the new relationship with your parent. For many people, this strikes a painful chord.
