Author: Debbie McDonald

Eight Caregiver Gifts that Cost Little But Make an Impact

Show Your Immense Gratitude

It can be complicated to say thank you to caregivers who see your senior at their most vulnerable, possibly even at their worst whether in an assisted living facility, nursing home or at home. 

They carry on with diligent care despite the circumstances or challenges.
They do what you cannot.
They are helping you honor your senior through this season.
They give so much!
How can you thank them?

Whether your senior lives in an assisted living facility, a nursing home, a small adult family home or is at home with care help, I have several thoughtful gift ideas for you to give your senior’s caregivers.

Three group gift ideas
Some assisted living facilities or nursing homes have a policy that prevents individual staff members from accepting personal gifts. However, you can give a gift to the staff as a whole. If that’s your situation, consider these group gift ideas. (Packaged separately, each of these gifts provides minimal contact.)

  1. For about $23 you can send a box of 20 healthy snacks 
  2. A beautifully packaged box of pears from Harry & David is a stylish surprise
  3. One dozen holiday bakery cupcakes (packaged separately) would be a fun treat 

Five individual gift ideas
For smaller facilities, like adult family homes or individual caregivers, you have more options:

  1. A candle and a handwritten note that says: “What you do matters, thank you!”
  2. Some fun, nurse-themed socks.
  3. A card & little, framed poem that says thank you.
  4. A coupon to a food delivery service like Uber Eats or Grubhub would allow them to have a meal without having to cook or go out to pick it up.
  5. A gift card to a coffee/tea shop would surely be put to good use!

Find other gift ideas by reading Seven Fun Gift Ideas for the Senior Who Doesn’t Need Anything. Whatever you do, the most impactful gift is likely going to be the note you add expressing your heartfelt gratitude and appreciation. Be more than generous with your words; they will soak in and encourage your caregiver in the sweetest of ways.

May you find joy in loving one another well.

How to Fill Your Senior’s Mailbox with Love

Plan a Christmas Card Signing Party with your Senior!

We’ve been sending Christmas cards for about 145 years. Well, I haven’t personally been sending them that long, but that’s when the first Christmas card originated in the United States. 

Most of the seniors in our lives look forward to getting their mail from the mailbox, finding personal notes and sweet cards from generations of friends. Even now in the electronic communication age, we can all relate with the pleasure of finding personal mail in the mix of bills and solicitations.

Would they love to receive cards (especially in assisted living or a nursing home) and value mailing them out? If your senior is no longer able to send Christmas cards themselves due to dementia or physical limitations, you can help make that happen! Even if your senior doesn’t need help, you’ll enjoy this activity together. 

My senior is independent

Make it a “card party”! Either over zoom or in person . . . put on some holiday music, both of you mix up some hot chocolate with extra whipped cream (I won’t tell if it has peppermint schnapps too). For fun, help them seal, address and stamp the cards. 

Here’s the key—and it works over Zoom too—encourage them to share memories about the people to whom they are sending the cards. Make a point of listening carefully and asking questions. 

My senior needs some help

Show up with:

  1. Cards: This pack of 24 cards has 4 different designs in a traditional style. An alternate is this set of 12 peace dove cards with a general holiday message. 
  2. Stamps: Did you know you can order holiday stamps from Amazon?
  3. A holiday beverage like a pack of Starbucks VIA Instant Coffee in a holiday flavor (just add hot water)
  4. Queue up your senior’s favorite festive music on your phone.
  5. Once completed, drop them in the mail for your senior.
My senior needs (a lot of) support

Show up with the supply list from above and maybe choose a 12 card pack so it’s not too tiring for dementia patients. Consider coming with 12 print outs of a favorite poem of your seniors or a special recipe of theirs and include that with the card. 

Add music and a fun drink to the process and it’s a party! Maybe all they do is sign the card and/or lick the envelope, but they are able to send a personal holiday message that will be a sweet gift to those that care about your senior. 

Add some silly and fun . . .

Get a pack of festive Christmas headbands and do a photoshoot for your senior! You can easily print a 4×6” collage photo at your local Walgreens, CVS, etc. in an hour. The photos can be the cover for a set of blank cards (attach the photo with double sided sticky tape) or be slipped inside the card. 

May you find joy in loving one another well, even if you aren’t wearing a reindeer headband.

Elizabeth Dameron-Drew is the Co-founder and President of Ways & Wane. She walked closely with her own father through his years of waning. She lives near Seattle with her two teenage sons, husband and two rescue dogs. When she’s not working on this platform she’s probably creating books, doing research work or planning a dinner party while listening to the rain and thinking about her next creative endeavor.

Seven Fun Gift Ideas for a Senior Who Doesn’t Need Anything

dog perfect gift for dementia patientPerfect Gifts for any Older Adult

The neighbors get a plate of brownies.
The dog gets the 10-inch rawhide bone.
Friends get a bottle of wine.
Co-workers get . . . nothing. You’re not with them in person and you don’t have their address anyway.

Your mom receives . . .  Hmmmmm. She’s hard to shop for anyway and these days it’s even more complicated. 

We hope to make things a little easier for you with seven fantastic holiday gift ideas for your senior, even if they are in a nursing home or hospital.

  1. Especially if your senior has a good sense of humor or a solid desire for mischief, these stick-on mustaches will likely bring far more entertainment than you can imagine.
  2. You can easily gift an audible book from audible.com. These three audiobooks are fun:
    1. “In Such Good Company” Eleven Years of Laughter, Mayhem, and Fun in the Sandbox By: Carol Burnett
    2. “What’s So Funny?” My Hilarious Life By: Tim Conway,  Jane Scovell
    3. “Murder Under the Sun” 13 Summer Mysteries by The Queen of Crime By: Agatha Christie
  3. Have a picture of your senior printed as a canvas wall print (choose a photo from a season in their life they loved). Shutterfly and Canvas World have lots of options and they are easy to hang, especially if you include some “no damage” sticky wall hangers.
  4. How about a butterfly temporary tattoo pack? How can you not smile at the butterfly on your arm? There are usually enough in the pack for the entire nursing home staff or visiting family to be covered in butterflies and frogs too.
  5. Fill out a Ways & Wane “Who I Am” printable to hang up in their room. We created one of these for my dad and it always sparked conversation with the staff who enjoyed a glimpse into his life. 
  6. This heart shaped warm/cold pillow is soft and washable. Older people frequently have cold hands so a microwaveable pillow can be a good way to warm one’s hands without trying to manage a cumbersome mitten design.
  7. A diffuser with essential oils offers aromatherapy. This compact diffuser comes with 6 different oils and has a waterless auto shut off. (Not recommended for shared room situations.) 

Maybe this year your budget allows for a nice Hallmark card. That’s just fine too! Remember, people may forget what you did or the gift you gave them, but they won’t forget how you made them feel.

May you find joy in loving one another well.

Elizabeth Dameron-Drew is the co-founder and president of Ways & Wane. She walked closely with her own father through his years of waning. She lives near Seattle with her two teenage sons, husband and two rescue dogs. When she’s not working on this platform she’s probably creating books, doing research work or planning a dinner party while listening to the rain and thinking about her next creative endeavor. 

Three Sweet Ways to Celebrate Thanksgiving Though Apart

A Thanksgiving like no other. 

How can we gratefully celebrate together, though apart? Many people are foregoing the typical meal with a table full of extended family in the interest of keeping our seniors safe. Let’s seize the opportunity to creatively adapt, not abandon, our traditions. 

Serve up these 3 fresh ideas to create a shared Thanksgiving experience.
  • Enjoy dessert together on Thanksgiving day—over a video call.
      • If a zoom, facetime or a video call on messenger isn’t a possibility, just use a phone on speaker.
  • Eat the same thing so it’s a shared experience.
      • Food & Wine has a list of some amazing bakeries that deliver pies. 
      • Harry & David will deliver a beautiful fruit in a fantastic box.
      • Amazon Fresh can deliver a huge range of options. 
      • How about a wine glass filled with whip cream and topped with sprinkles?
  • Ask fun or thoughtful questions to engage your senior.
      • Consider an app or deck of conversation cards with games like “Have you Ever?” or “Would you Rather?” It’s a simple and fun way to get people to share. If you choose the “Have you Ever” game, you might get some really interesting (yikes!) stories. As though this Thanksgiving isn’t going to be memorable enough. 
      • Ask the traditional “what are you thankful for” question. Who doesn’t need a dose of gratitude.

Thanksgiving ideasFor more yummy tips, check out the full video!

However you celebrate, I hope you express and feel LOVE since that’s all that really matters anyway.

Well, dessert matters too. 

May you find joy in loving one another well.

Elizabeth Dameron-Drew is the President and Co-founder of Ways & Wane. She walked closely with her own father through his years of waning. She lives near Seattle, Washington with her two teenage sons, husband and two rescue dogs. When she’s not working on this platform she’s probably creating books, sewing, or vacuuming, or cooking while listening to the rain and thinking about her next creative endeavor. 

How to Cure Dementia’s Fidgety Hands: Fun Gifts for the Holidays

fidget ball helps people with dementiaMaybe it was for me, but I thought about him as well. I didn’t want to hand him child’s toys, even when in this stage of dementia.

At 79, when his body and mind were compromised by dementia, I’d visit with him and we played all sorts of activities and games. When it was time for me to go home, I hated leaving him with nothing to keep his hands busy. Handing him something that looked like a child’s toy felt like an insult to him and well, it just made me feel sad. So, I present five (not childlike) tactile fidget gift ideas for your senior with dementia. The benefit? To help them stay busy and feel calm. 

Five gratifying and useful dementia-friendly gift ideas
  1. These sculpture-like metallic tangles twist around in endless combinations and are light and easy to manage. 
  2. For animal lovers, these realistic looking, battery-powered cats and dogs move, respond to touch and even purr, but without the care required by a real pet. They aren’t inexpensive, but are a lot less than a real pet would cost.
  3. Do an online search for a slide fidget widget—a handsome and smooth wooden form that fits easily in one’s hand and has beads that slide back and forth on a secure band. 
  4. Introduce a sensory activity through a tactile book which can act as an amazing rehabilitation tools for patients who have suffered a serious injury or stroke or have Alzheimers: they help restore fine motor skills in adults, improve concentration, and alleviate stress. 
  5. Like the tangle mentioned above, this wooden art ball fidget toy can be twisted and formed. Its larger size makes it easier to manage. It comes in two sizes and either a natural wood finish or in black/white. 

Note: We recommend these products because we think they’re good and we wanted to save you time. Some of them may earn us a bit when you click on the link. 

May you find joy in loving one another well, despite dementia! 

Elizabeth Dameron-Drew is co-founder and president of Ways & Wane. She walked closely with her own father through his years of waning. She lives near Seattle, Washington with her two teenage sons, husband and two rescue dogs. When she’s not working on this platform, she’s probably creating books, sewing, or vacuuming, or cooking while listening to the rain and thinking about her next creative endeavor. 

Impatient with Repeated Questions? 7 Strategies to Respond with Patience

“What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do now?”

Being repeatedly asked the same question by anyone, whether they are 2 or 70, is frustrating. When it means they are fading cognitively, feelings of grief get mixed into the dynamic. 

How can you respond and save your own sanity? Here are 7 practical tips:

  1. Give yourself permission to be sad about your senior’s mental decline and mourn the fact that they are no longer who they once were. It’s okay to be sad about that. It’s normal and actually loving. 
  2. Remember that your senior is asking repeated questions because of damage to their brain cells, whether it’s because of a stroke, a form of dementia, a traumatic brain injury or something else they are now cognitively disabled. They wouldn’t choose to be confused and aren’t trying to annoy you. 
  3. Look for a reason behind the questions. Are they trying to communicate something else altogether? Does the behavior happen at a particular time of the day or around particular people?
  4. Think about how they are feeling, not what they are doing or saying and respond to their emotion, not their behavior.
  5. Refocus their energy on a new activity, even if it’s just a fidget type gadget that keeps their hands busy. 
  6. When responding to them, do your best to keep your voice calm and don’t try to argue or use logic. The latter response will likely escalate their confusion by adding anxiety.
  7. Restate what they are saying and answer their question as best you can with simple explanations. Consider using visual tools like calendars, clocks or photographs to help them remember. 

This video from UCLA Health offers insights and practical tips for managing repetitive questions.

May you find joy in loving one another well.

Elizabeth Dameron-Drew is the co-founder of Ways & Wane. She walked closely with her own father through his years of waning. She lives near Seattle, Washington with her two teenage sons, husband and two rescue dogs. When she’s not working on this platform she’s probably creating books, sewing, or vacuuming, or cooking while listening to the rain and thinking about her next creative endeavor. 

Veteran? Get Paid or Get Money for Caring

elderly veteran One of our GoKit users found the perfect assisted living facility in Florida for her father. Although at over $4,000 per month, the payments were quite a burden. After a few months, she discovered that her father was eligible for a VA housing benefit of $2,000/month, which was retroactive to the time he moved in. While not every veteran is eligible for this benefit, the VA caregiver program expanded on October 1, 2020 to offer more services.

Veteran’s Affairs offers two levels of support for caregivers: a general program available to all veterans and their families and a more comprehensive program with more strict criteria. The VA trains regional Caregiver Support Coordinators to help you understand which program addresses your situation at no charge.

General
The Program of General Caregiver Support Services (PGCSS) provides resources, education and support to caregivers of Veterans. The Veteran does not need to have a service-connected condition, for which the caregiver is needed, and may have served during any era. No formal application is required.

While the General program offers a range of supportive services, my favorite is the FREE caregiver coaching. You receive four individual sessions over the course of 2-3 months. The coach will provide you with a workbook and help you with a variety of issues caregivers face. They will coach you in stress management, problem solving, self-care and healthy behaviors, as well as, Veteran safety, behaviors, problems or concerns linked to a diagnosis. Your assigned coach will call you for a total of four sessions, over a two to three-month period.  Learn more about the REACH VA Program. Ask your Caregiver Support Coordinator about it.

Comprehensive
The Program of Comprehensive Assistance for Family Caregivers (PCAFC) is for eligible Veterans who have incurred a serious injury in the line of duty on or before May 7, 1975 or on or after September 11, 2001. This program provides resources, education, support, a financial stipend, and health insurance (if eligible), beneficiary travel (if eligible), to caregivers of eligible Veterans.

If you are the primary caregiver, you may receive:
A monthly stipend (paid directly to you as the caregiver.)
Access to health care insurance through Civilian Health and Medical Program of the Department of Veterans Affairs (CHAMPVA), if you do not already have health insurance.
Mental health counseling.
Certain beneficiary travel benefits when traveling with the Veteran to appointments. Note for specific details, speak to your Caregiver Support Coordinator.
At least 30 days of respite care per year, for the Veteran. Respite is short term relief for someone else to care for the Veteran while you take a break.
If you are the secondary caregiver, you may receive:
– Mental health counseling.
– Certain beneficiary travel benefits when traveling with the Veteran to appointments. Note for specific details, speak to your Caregiver Support Coordinator.
– At least 30 days of respite care, per year for the Veteran. Respite is short term relief for someone else to care for the Veteran while you take a break.
To enroll or find out which programs your senior qualifies for, find a Caregiver Support Coordinator in your area.

Be sure to check the VA Caregiver Support Hotline for updates or subscribe to receive email updates and information about VA Caregiver Support Program services.

The VA Caregiver Services may help you love your senior well!

Sticker Shock: The cost of caring

Sticker Shock:
The cost of caring

In-home care, assisted living, walkers, prescription copays—it adds up

check, cost of nursing home

The Alzheimer’s Association estimated end-of-life care costs in 2016 were between $217,820 and $341,651. 

1 in 4 adults ages 45 years old or older are financially unprepared for long-term care expenses,
2015 – AARP

Surprising costs add stress to an emotionally charged situation when your senior’s health is faltering. 

Do you want a rough idea how much care costs in your area? Estimate the cost using this online calculator. When we researched options for my father, this calculator was pretty accurate for where we live in California.

cost of nursing home screenshotThere were three key “aging sticker shocks” that surprised us: 

  • uncovered costs of some prescription drugs, 
  • nursing home stays with limited Medicare and/or supplemental insurance coverage, 
  • In-home care, assisted living and memory care not covered by Medicare.

For the estimated 7 million Boomers who provide long distance care, actual out of pocket expenses amount to almost $5,000 per month. For caregivers who have, or are considering leaving the workforce to care for an ailing parent, the costs are even greater—over $650,000 in forfeited salaries, benefits and pensions.

Understand your options and develop back-up plans before it is necessary to help your senior make a long-term care decision. 

Here are three steps to systematically evaluate their current financial situation: 

  1. Review your senior’s finances. If they are reluctant to discuss details, this article by Cameron Huddleston presents good strategies. Identify all sources of income and expenses for an older adult by filling out this Asset Calculator. 
  2. Find and review insurance policies, including life, medical, home, car, etc.
  3. Find a financial professional to advise you on managing Your Person’s assets.  The Senate Committee on Aging recommends looking for someone with a financial gerontology certification; however the Securities and Exchange Commission does not specifically endorse any financial advisor titles, like elder specialist. Your employer may offer financial counseling services.

Once you have a detailed picture of what care might cost and the assets available, you’ll need to find creative ways to pay for that care. Look for another article in the future about surprising sources for funding long-term care.

May you find peace in loving one another well!

Debbie McDonald is the Founder of Ways & Wane, an online platform that helps you help your aging parent. She lives in Northern California with her husband.

Need to Vent? Want Encouragement?

Some Good Caregiving Support Facebook Groups

“I am so physically and emotionally exhausted but how do I find someone to give me some respite so I can get away for a few days?”

“Does anyone have recommendations for a personal emergency response system? I’m afraid of my mom falling when I’m not there.”

“I’m definitely in a bad place this afternoon. Forgive me Lord. Just need to vent my frustration. Thank you all❀.”

These are just a few of the posts by active group members in these private Facebook support groups. Filled with caregivers, you will be surrounded by caregiving support. While there are many other caregiving support groups, these are a few Facebook groups that have active posting and strong, positive moderation.

Just ask to “join”, answer a few qualifying questions and you won’t feel so alone.

  1. The Caregiver Space Community
    This group has over 6,000 members who post their questions and give lots of advice (usually over 20 comments per post).
  1. Working Daughter
    This is a space (3,600 members) for women who are balancing caring for an aging parent with their career and the rest of their life. Join us for community, support, encouragement. Share your questions and your best advice.
  1. Caring for Elderly Parents
    This large group is very interactive with posts asking for recommendations and explaining their own struggles.

Now may you find peace at all times in every way as you help your senior in their waning phase of life.

Dementia Activities: 5 Fun, No-Fail Projects

Whether your senior is in memory care, a nursing home or at home with you, you know the challenge of finding dementia-friendly activities you both enjoy.

Gardener. Photographer. Former Dentist. 80-Year-Old with Dementia.

A creative perfectionist with a solid sense of humor and a huge heart. 

Loved to keep busy.

Sound like someone you know?

Meet John–our dad. 

When his body and mind prevented him from doing all the things he did before, we dug deep to find worthwhile activities.

Here are 5 satisfying projects we pursued with our dad after his traumatic brain injury. All of them can be enjoyed while sitting and by someone with compromised fine motor and cognitive skills.

  1. Coin sorting

When there’s a lot that cannot be made sense of or organized in one’s mind, sorting coins can be very satisfying. 

  • Senior engagement time = 5-60 min. 
  • Supplies: A pile of various coins. Tray for sorting and rolling coins OR clear plastic cups. Optional: paper sleeves for rolled.
  • Helpful: I kept a plastic container of coins and (when my dad wasn’t looking) kept putting the coins we’d rolled back to resort and roll. 
  1. “No Fail” Watercolor

My dad was frustrated when he couldn’t get the paint color right or would paint outside the lines. These watercolor sheets have picture outlines that come alive with color when they get wet. Once dry, they are reusable. 

  • Senior engagement time = 10-30 min. 
  • Supplies:  Reusable, no-fail watercolor sheets from Relish. Water container (low and heavy works well so it’s not tipped over), watercolor paint brush, flat work surface, a few paper towels.
  1. “No Fail” Puzzles

These puzzles are wonderful for people who aren’t successful or even interested in typical  jigsaw puzzles. My dad would match them and his roommate would just stack matching pieces on top of one another. My son made his own designs. 

  • Senior engagement time = 10-30 min. 
  • Supplies: Puzzle, flat work surface.

I’ll never forget the look of pleasure on my dad’s face when he dug his hands into the potting soil. He loved to garden and working with the dirt and plants, even in this simple project, was very rewarding for him.

  1. Potted Gardening

I’ll never forget the look of pleasure on my dad’s face when he dug his hands into the potting soil. He loved to garden and working with the dirt and plants, even in this simple project, was very rewarding for him. 

  • Senior engagement time = 30-60 min. 
  • Supplies: Large garbage bag or tarp (to cover flat work surface), a few small plants to and new pot(s) to transplant them into, extra potting dirt, spade shovel, small pitcher filled with water. This mini indoor gardening set and carrier provides simple tools and easy clean up. Optional: gardening gloves, apron.
John potting some flowers after he experienced a traumatic brain injury.
  1. Pasta Making 

My son helped my dad feed the rolled/flattened dough through the press while my dad cranked the handle. It was a great group project with the satisfaction of getting to eat fresh pasta afterwards. If you don’t have a crank pasta machine, they aren’t too expensive or perhaps you can borrow one. 

  • Senior engagement time = 1 hr.
  • Supplies: Crank pasta maker, fresh pasta dough (premade pizza dough works too), extra all purpose flour, aprons, cookie sheet (for drying noodles), flat work surface.
  • Helpful: Fresh pasta should be refrigerated and used within a few days.

May you find joy in loving one another well!

Note: We recommend these products because we loved them for our own dad and we wanted to save you time. Some of them may earn us a bit when you click on the link.

You may also enjoy reading: The One Local Secret to Finding In-Home Care