Itâs one thing to occasionally tolerate . . . A long-time friend who lives five states away complaining on the phone a few times a year; or that person at work with the persistent frown lines and stream of âglass-half-emptyâ news.Â
Itâs another thing to stay joyful . . . when that person who is all negative, all the time, is in your family circle.
Maybe itâs your dad and he lives with you.
Maybe itâs your mom who you regularly talk to or visit.
Maybe it is an in-law who is in pain and finds it hard to endure.
Itâs not that you believe their perspective is unwarranted, itâs that it is truly hard to stay joyful around someone who has a âglass-is-always-emptyâ perspective. You are committed to maintaining your relationship with them, so what can you do to manage your response to someone elseâs negativity so that your own happiness doesnât get sucked out of you?
Five Joy Strategies
1. Shift the conversation
One author says: âYou have to practice who you want to be.â If you are trying to help practice a positive attitude, a tool is often helpful. For example, if you share time together like over a meal, start a tradition of asking: âWhat are you thankful for today?â Go back and forth several times. Or even just a simple game of: âWhat do you like better X or X?â (Insert two different choices in the same category, like mountains or beach, cake or pie, sweet or savory, blue or orange, etc.) Itâs sort of silly, but it takes the focus to âwhat is liked betterâ.
2. Let them know how you feel (and know that they may not change)
Consider that they may not realize how much they complain and gently bring it to their attention. You might say something like, âDad, I know life isnât easy for you right now. I love you so much and if I could make everything better I would. Hearing you complain makes me feel so sad. Would you be willing to try to be more positive when we talk?â Itâs okay to share your experience and ask for what you need. If they donât respond with change, let it go and focus on what you can control, which is how you respond.
3. You can’t change them
Especially if you are in some sort of care role you are likely accustomed to solving things for them. Try not to take their negativity personally and avoid self talk that says, âTheyâd be happy if I could just fix ___â. Some part of you knows that you cannot solve everything. Remember the truth of that and be gentle with yourself.
4. Use compassion and curiosity
While you are being gentle with yourself, remember to be gentle with them too. If you can shift from a lens of frustration to compassionate curiosity it can allow you to support and understand them better. Try to have empathy for the older adultâs season of life which may be more and more defined by loss: less good health, less mobility, finite finances, loss of friends to sickness or retirement moves. It can also be understandably hard to be positive when dealing with physical pain, especially chronic pain. You can ask: âOn a scale of 1-10, where is your pain today?â
5. Help them feel heard
Try using the reflective listening techniqueâwhere you repeat back what youâve heard. It shows that you are with them and have heard their words. Focus on how the situation has made them feel, since itâs usually the resulting feeling that is at the root of the issue anyway. If your emotions start to get the best of you, take a moment (and a deep breath) and remind yourself that their feelings donât have to be yours.