My advice as a medical advocate

The man who seemed to be in charge (since he was the one who had just given detailed and important directives to the medical staff around him regarding medicine changes and a plan of care for our 10 day old baby) finally paused. He turned to me saying, “Do you have any questions?” “Yes,” I said, “WHO are you?” 

There are those who choose to be a medical advocate as a profession. However, most people who find themselves in the role are thrown into it, frequently without any notice. That was my situation. After 21 years of advocating on a weekly (sometimes on a minute-by-minute) basis for my son (and father at times), I’ve found several strategies to be exceedingly helpful.

Five (hard-earned) strategies for advocating well

1.Find out names and titles

Ask for the full names and the tiles of the medical professionals with whom you are interacting. Interrupt them if you need to, ask them to turn their name badges over and if their title/specialty isn’t stated ask them what it is. If it’s unclear to you, clarify what their exact role is in the patient’s care.

Why? There is a hierarchy in a hospital setting and newer, less experienced doctors (like the Residents) can toss out possible outcomes, procedures, approaches and suggested solutions as freely as an enthusiastic flower girl tosses rose petals around. The result can be alarming and confusing, but if you know you are talking to a Resident you can take it all with a grain of salt. If you are talking to the Attending you’ll know to put more weight on their message. (Note: I am not intending to be disrespectful to the Residents and am infinitely grateful for everyone who chooses a medical profession.)

2. Keep notes in a portable binder or notebook

When used consistently both at regular appointments and/or in a hospital setting, this will be an incredible asset in your role as an advocate. It’s where you’ll write down the names and titles/specialties of the doctors with whom you’ve met and the key information provided. Note the date and if it was “in-patient” (in the hospital) so that when you look back it’s clear where the care was taking place. Also, write down your questions beforehand (you really won’t remember them if you don’t) and confirm they’ve been answered before the appointment is over, even if it means asking the doctor/nurse to wait while you do a second review of your questions and notes. (The Ways & Wane GoKit is perfect for this!)

Why?

Especially under stress, it’s nearly impossible to keep track of the myriad of details provided in a care setting. If asked by other family members for updates and details you not only have the information captured in writing, but you can take a picture of it and text that as an update. If you are playing tag team with another advocate (like your spouse or sibling), a shared notebook is a great way to make sure information is documented and communicated. (Permission from the patient should be granted before sharing their private medical information like in a text out to a group.)

3. Don’t worry about being the “good guy”

It’s not uncommon to be intimidated by doctors and other medical professionals, but remember that your role is to advocate really well for someone else, not to win a prize for “most congenial”. Don’t be rude, but know that you have the right to insist on second opinions, additional answers, explanations in plain terms or other care needs that are in the best interest of the one for whom you are advocating. At the end of the day, remember that you and the patient are the customers. 

Why?

It’s very hard to do a great job at being a strong advocate when you are worried about aspects of the interactions that don’t have to do with getting the information you need and making sure the patient gets the best care possible. You have a job to do. Focus on that in order to show up as the advocate you hope someone would be for you. 

4.  Ban time in the land of “what ifs”

Make a purposeful decision not to put mental and emotional energy into the 25+ “what if” scenarios that you are tempted to entertain, especially if you are googling information. You do not actually show up more prepared for the horrible thing if you practice it in your mind. I believe it’s like practicing getting hit by a car so that if you get hit by a car it won’t hurt. There will likely be enough difficult things that you must face for absolute certainty, why use up your “perfectly good worry” in the land of “what ifs”? 

Why?

It’s truly helpful for your mental health to focus on what is actually ahead instead of what might happen, especially since we can be exceedingly good at coming up with the most terrifying version possible. As an advocate, you only have so much energy. Use it purposefully. 

5. Gather whatever tribe you can

Especially in the middle of an intense season of being a medical advocate, ask for help. Ask for practical help (can you bring me lunch or pick up X from Walgreens?) and emotional support (will you text me a cute picture or kind thought?). Ask regularly and ask people who you think may say no. You cannot control what their response is, but you can ask and in doing so you may just invite someone into something that will bless them too. 

Why?
Once you come out of the intensity of the season, there won’t be a prize for the most worn out or emotionally ravaged. We all need community and the reminder that we are loved and cared for too. It’s a very good thing not to do the hardest season by yourself. This is one of the reasons I truly love our mission and work at Ways & Wane – we get to join the tribes of those who are doing their best to advocate really well. 

Whether you are advocating or a child or an older adult, you’ll likely show up really well sometimes and other times you’ll scrape yourself up and give what little you can. Either way, you are showing up and that’s amazing. Be gentle with yourself too. 

As a parent, you know how easy it is for your child to end up with a little bruise or a skinned knee or a finger pinched (ugh) in the car window. Some of those boo-boos happen under your watch. It’s understandable. If your child is injured at daycare and it’s more than a small injury, the daycare is responsible to inform you. 

The guidelines and reporting requirements for daycare centers regarding injuries will vary depending on the country, state, or region. They are often set by government agencies responsible for regulating childcare facilities to ensure the safety and well-being of children. 

While specific regulations may differ, there are some best practices:

• Incident Reporting: Daycare centers are usually required to maintain a system for documenting and reporting any incidents or injuries that occur on their premises. 

• Timely Reporting: There may be specific timeframes within which the daycare center must report an injury or incident to the relevant authorities, parents or guardians, and possibly licensing agencies.

• Parent/Guardian Notification: Parents or guardians of the injured child must be promptly informed about the incident, the nature of the injury, and any immediate medical attention that was provided.

• Medical Attention: Daycare centers should have protocols for providing appropriate and timely medical attention in case of an injury. This may involve administering basic first aid or contacting emergency medical services, depending on the severity of the injury.

• Incident Investigation: The daycare center might be required to conduct an internal investigation into the circumstances surrounding the injury. This investigation could involve speaking with staff members and any witnesses to the incident.

• Documentation: Daycare centers are typically required to keep records of all injuries and incidents, including written reports, witness statements, and any follow-up actions taken.

• Reporting to Licensing Agencies: Depending on the severity of the injury and local regulations, daycare centers may be obligated to report certain types of injuries to the appropriate licensing or regulatory agencies overseeing childcare facilities.

If your child has an unexplained injury that happened while they were at daycare, ask the facility about it right away. Also, assume good intentions and hold judgment until you have the full story. 

Walkers, canes and other “unnecessary” things

“I’m just practicing walking” was the answer my father gave me when he would walk around by himself without his walker. We’d lost count of his falls, so a walker seemed pretty important. At least to us. To him, not so much. 

“I don’t want anything new” was the answer Betty gave her daughter when she suggested that a cane or walker might be helpful to her. She was surprised by the answer since she was watching Betty move from spot to spot holding onto furniture and walls. Like a rock climber, she was gauging where her next handhold was going to be. 

According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC):

• About 36 million falls are reported among older adults each year—resulting in more than 32,000 deaths.
• Each year, about 3 million older adults are treated in emergency departments for a fall injury.
• One out of every five falls causes an injury, such as broken bones or a head injury.
• Each year at least 300,000 older people are hospitalized for hip fractures.
• More than 95% of hip fractures are caused by falling—usually by falling sideways.
• Women fall more often than men and account for three-quarters of all hip fractures.

Obviously, the results of a fall can have serious consequences and the need for stability seems obvious. Why is it that an older adult is resistant to using a mobility device, like a walker or cane? 

Reasons an older adult may not want to use a walker

• Moving without a mobility device may be a source of pride for them.
• A mobility device may make them feel like they look old or frail. Unlike a discreet hearing aid, mobility devices are highly visible and may feel like a label of “I’m weak and dependent” or not cognitively “with it”.
• They may get special treatment ,which may be embarrassing.
• They may be concerned they’ll become dependent on its use, losing the ability to ambulate without the extra support. 

Approach the topic with plenty of sensitivity. Ask them to share with you what their thoughts are about using a walker, cane or other device. After listening thoughtfully, share your concerns for their safety. Express your desire for them to maintain the independence they have, pointing out that a fall may take that away from them. 

Sometimes it’s difficult for an older adult to be objective about their current needs. If the older adult would value an objective assessment, the National Council on Aging assigns a fall risk score with the completed Falls Free Check Up.

Checklist to mitigate effects of unsteadiness

If the older adult is unwilling to use a mobility aid, but is unsteady, consider: 

1. Asking the older adult’s doctor to review their medicines to see if simple changes can provide the same results while reducing the risk of falls. 
2. Asking the older adult’s doctor to conduct a balance assessment test to determine their risks and if physical therapy would help improve their strength and balance. 
3. Consider an eye exam, since improved vision can reduce the risk of falls. 
4. Making their home safer with improved lighting, railings and putting frequently used items in a place that’s easy to reach.

It’s important to note that, when not used properly, walkers and other mobility devices can cause the accidents they were meant to prevent. Ensure the device is suited to the older adult’s needs and is being used correctly. 

The older adult’s doctor or physical therapist can provide valuable guidance on what to choose and fit the device for their height, weight and abilities. Also, when prescribed by a doctor for use in the home, Medicare Part B can cover 80% of the cost of walkers, rollators, and other “durable medical equipment” if it is deemed medically necessary.

For more information on mobility devices: 

• AARP’s post on Choosing a Walker or Cane provides helpful insights into figuring out if one of these is a good solution. 
• This article from the Mayo Clinic has tips for choosing and using a walker. 

Your Digital Care Advisor has a section titled “I want to keep an older adult safe” which has a number of excellent resources for fall prevention. You’ll find home modification resources and balance classes covered by Medicare. 

You may not agree with or fully understand the older adult’s perspective and choices when it comes to using mobility devices. As difficult as it may be, respect those desires and choices. It is one of the ways to honor them in this season of life.

Most parents have a love/hate relationship with screens when it comes to their children. Screens can be entertainment, a social outlet and a babysitter while dining out, but most parents have concerns about the impact on their children’s social development.

Research from a study on social isolation and its impact on child and adolescent development housed in the National Library of Medicine supports a “strong association between social isolation and anxiety and depression in children and adolescents”. It also reports “higher levels of cortisol and worse cognitive development”, which can impact school performance. 

Another study found that these negative effects can extend into adulthood, as socially isolated children have been found to have worse health outcomes compared to their more engaged peers. 

Busy schedules and perceived threats to safety can make parents fill time with screens. As child psychologist Melissa Sporn points out, “overscheduling limits socializing and parents’ efforts to protect kids from danger outside, which leads to more inside time on computers and phones”. Indeed, spontaneous play is thwarted by structured family schedules so that even with lots of people around, individual children can feel isolated and turn to screens for connection.

Solutions aren’t as obvious as just taking away the screens. The Mayo Clinic offers 6 tips to reduce children’s screen time, which include creating “phone-free zones” and cutting screen time in half. 

Face-to-face time (without a screen in between) can reduce anxiety and improve cognitive development. Summer is a great time to try!

This was the third call Miles got from his dad while he was at work. “I was just thinking about that tackle box with my fishing gear. Do you know where that is?” Yes, Miles knew the tackle box was in his own garage since his dad gave it to him 4 years ago. Did his dad have plans to go fishing? “No, I was just thinking about where it ended up. I thought my neighbor may have borrowed it.” A few hours later his dad called asking if those new taxi services could pick him up for his urologist appointment. Miles reminded his dad that the urologist appointment wasn’t until next month. As much as he loves his dad, the regular daytime calls were affecting his ability to work. 

Mile’s dad used to pack days full of activities and projects but was now seemingly uninterested in socializing or pursuing his hobbies. The result was a lot of time to think about where his tackle box was and worry over appointments weeks away. Miles had repeatedly tried to get his dad to engage in the men’s lunch club and model car projects he used to enjoy, but with no success. Miles felt puzzled and genuinely worried over his father’s wellbeing. 

Reports warn against effect of loneliness

The experience of Miles’ father is common. Older adults in particular are finding themselves more isolated and bored than ever before. In fact, this is so prevalent that the US Surgeon General released the first ever Advisory on loneliness, isolation, and social connection. Dr. Murthy warns about the public health crisis that loneliness, isolation, and disconnection pose to the American public. Additionally, a report from the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine (NASEM) found that nearly one-fourth of adults 65 and older are considered to be socially isolated.

Social isolation increases dementia

Among older adults, chronic loneliness and social isolation can increase the risk of developing dementia by approximately 50%. Evidence reveals that social isolation and loneliness hinder good health, putting older adults at risk for high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, a weakened immune system, anxiety, depression, cognitive decline, Alzheimer’s disease, and even death. 

Factors contributing to social isolation

The cost is clear, but preventing social isolation is complex. The myriad of issues contributing to the isolation of older adults include: 

• Hearing. Their hearing may be compromised, especially in noisy environments. It can be embarrassing to either not clearly understand what was said or have to ask for something to be repeated.
• Fear. They may genuinely be afraid of falling since they know how easily it could mean a broken bone. If they are feeling unsteady at all, walking in new environments may not feel safe to them.
• Incontinence. They may have lost some bladder control and/or need to make frequent bathroom trips and don’t want to call attention to such a highly personal issue. 
• Transportation. They may not feel as comfortable driving (especially in the dark) or may not drive at all which may cause them to avoid inconveniencing anyone by having to drive them.
• Pain. Their body may hurt which can cause anyone to feel moody and out of sorts. It also may be physically hard or even painful to walk or sit in various uncomfortable seats.
• Ageism. Negative stereotypes and ageism can cause an older adult to want to avoid new situations and people who may not be patient with them or kind. 
• Unwanted. They may feel like a “downer”, as though they aren’t nice/happy/fun enough to have around.
• Everyone is “new”. They may have lost their closest long time friends who may have moved away or passed away. It can feel hard to develop new friendships. We can all relate with that.

Some of these issues can be addressed through medications or assistive devices and some cannot. It’s a new landscape altogether— the old hobbies and activities no longer address their current confidence and situation. 

Five “Great Day” Questions

Begin by identifying which of the factors above are contributing to their isolation. Next, ask the older adult if those factors play into their social decisions. 

Use these five questions to brainstorm with an older adult about activities.

1. What would be a “great” day for you? What would it include?
2. On a scale of 1-10, how content are you with how you spend your time? 
3. What is one thing you’d like to regularly add to your calendar? 
4. What are some of the best things you’ve done recently? 
5. How many activities feel like the right number each day or week?

Additionally, AARP’s “Are You Affected by Social Isolation?” tool can help provide insights. It may be especially helpful if the older adult is likely to respond well or respect a questionnaire assessment from a well known source.

It’s possible that the older adult is content with their level of activity and social engagement. It may be your own (albeit well-meaning) desires for them that need an adjustment. It’s not easy to see someone you care about having a life that looks very different from how it used to look. 

However, if they want to make a change, you can now work with them to create “great” days (as defined by them.) Part of the solution will include resolving or diminishing the contributing factors identified above.

Strategies to increase social engagement

Specific activities will depend on their abilities and interests. Start with these practical steps  to create more “great days” for them.

• Set up easy-to-use technology, ideally with a prominent video screen. There are a number of options that are designed for older adults, like the GrandPad.
• Go with them (or set up a buddy) to accompany them to the first event, whatever it is. They may be much more proud to show you off than to show up by themselves. Once there, they will likely begin to develop connections.
• Schedule others (extended family or volunteers) to engage with the older adult regularly. One daughter sent calendar invites to her siblings. The older adult may be less likely to cancel or pass up an engagement with someone outside of their regular care circle.
• Create an account with a shuttle service or private taxi option like Uber or Lyft. Accompany them on the first few trips to help remove a barrier of the unknown.
• Affirm the older adult’s ability to make an impact by setting up meaningful volunteer or work engagements. 

Sometimes a single activity or person can make a world of difference in the life of a lonely older adult. 

The Ways & Wane Care Concierge team can compile a custom matrix of practical solutions to help solve social isolation for the older adult in your life.

Time sure does fly! Between work, school, extracurriculars, and getting dinner on the table, we can easily slip into routines that don’t include meaningful time together as a family. But making time to connect and create memories is a worthy pursuit.  Research shows that engaging in recurring, quality family time has many benefits, as kids “are less likely to have behavioral issues at home or at school” and better mental and physical health (Jones, 2017).  Beyond this, quality time as a family leads to closer connections, life-long memories and fun for everyone.

Three Ways to Build Connection as a Family

1. Designate a special family night and rotate who picks the activity (and treat)

Once a week, a different family member gets the chance to choose an activity and a special treat/snack. Children usually love getting to be the one to choose something that the whole family does together. You may find yourself part of a whole house nerf gun war, a Lego building contest, water balloon fight, make-over party (how does dad look with a face mask) or game of “Sorry”. Kids engage more when they feel agency in the decision making process and setting aside a special night every week will help to build togetherness with consistency. Blocking it out on the calendar will help protect the time.

2. Find a volunteer project to do together

You may tell your children how important it is to give back to the community, but the message comes through differently when they watch you carve out time to do this. Volunteering as a family provides a unique opportunity to demonstrate your values in a practical and meaningful way. It can be an entry to learning about other communities  and to building empathy. Doing shared work can benefit your community and provide a sense of pride and accomplishment as a family unit. Indeed, Utah State University notes that “family volunteering leads to increased marital and family satisfaction, improved parenting and conflict resolution, shared experiences and values, and foster bonding between parents and children”. You might try hosting a food or toy drive, serving a monthly meal at a soup kitchen, or contributing to a community garden. This Parents.com article has some great sites for family-friendly volunteering opportunities. 

3. Plan an Outdoor Adventure

Does it sometimes feel like everyone is glued to their phones, TV or computers? Kids and adults alike rely more on tech than ever before. Being outdoors together creates space for distraction free quality time while you soak up sunshine. Consider sitting down as a family to make an activity wish list and then block out the time on the calendar to make it happen. Maybe you’ll play tourist in your own town, go on a new hike, play around with nature photography, see an outdoor play or concert, plan a picnic, or host a block party. The effort is worth it: The Child Mind Institute notes that youngsters receive several advantages of being outside including the promotion of creativity, confidence, and a reduction in stress. These experiences can create memories and help to build an appreciation for the wonders of the natural world. 

Chances are, none of us is going to suddenly become less busy, so it is essential to plan time  to prioritize togetherness. By soliciting each family member’s unique interests, setting aside dedicated, regular time together, and finding fun and meaningful activities to try, we promote closeness and connection. Don’t let this summer pass by without making lasting memories with your favorite people. 

SOURCES:

San Diego State

Parents

Child Mind

Our bodies and minds change as we age. That is part of life. For an older adult, the extent of those changes can vary between forgetting a few words to experiencing dementia; from coping with stiff joints to adapting to life in a wheelchair. Understandably, we tend to slow down, and many older adults’ routines become less active and more isolated. There is a lot we cannot control related to the aging process, but by continuing to engage in activities we like and prioritizing relationships, we can maintain a better quality of life. 

If you care about someone who is not doing as much as they used to, you are not alone. The  CDC reports that by age 75 “about one in three men and one in two women engage in no physical activity”. In addition to less physical activity, aging individuals may also be less likely to spend time with friends or engaged in cognitively stimulating activities. These trends are a cause for concern as inactivity is linked to negative health and well-being outcomes.

The good news is that there is something we can do about it. In addition to warding off chronic disease and aiding in mental well-being, research from the Mayo Clinic has found that “engaging in mentally stimulating activities, even late in life, may protect against new-onset mild cognitive impairment, which is the intermediate stage between normal cognitive aging and dementia”. In other words, it is never too late to get going again and it is worth it!

With the well-documented information on the many benefits of engaging in activity as we age, we may be eager to push a loved one to add more to their schedule. While the instinct is a good one, it is important to approach the topic with patience. If someone has begun living a largely sedentary lifestyle, this might be caused by physical, cognitive or mental health changes. Meeting an older adult where they are means considering their current activity level and understanding their preferences and limitations related to further engagement. You can find tips on how to gently and respectfully encourage an older adult towards more activity in the following resource, Encouraging an Aging Parent Towards Activity.

Thankfully, many activities can be adapted to make them more accessible for individuals with changing abilities. With some effort existing activities can be modified or new ones added so that leisure pursuits remain accessible and enjoyable. 

Five tips for a successful outing or activity:

• Make sure the older adult brings their: hearing aids & extra batteries, glasses, extra layers, hat and water bottle. Keep in mind that older adults may be more sensitive to hot/cold than you and plan accordingly. 
• Take breaks as needed to avoid fatigue and consider shorter outings (1-2 hours is fine). 
• Consider renting a wheelchair or scooter for ease of movement, even if your loved one does not use one daily. Choose accessible venues with amenities like ramps or elevators.
• Be mindful that you may need to adjust things like volume, font size or activities that involve hand-eye coordination and mental focus. 
• Allow flexibility in the schedule and be patient with any challenges that may arise. Remember; it is about the quality time spent together and the memories made. 

With summer upon us, there are additional options available for outings and activities.

Here are 5 Activities to Try This Summer:

1. Watch children play at a park with a splash pad water feature

Seeing kids joyful and in their element is contagious. Pack up some folding chairs, sun hats, snacks and SPF and sit back to watch the kiddos play! You can also find a local dog park if pets delight the older adult.

2. Go on a nature walk or stroll through a botanical garden

Being in nature is calming and physical activity is essential for healthy aging. If the older adult is not very active, you can keep the walk brief or use a wheelchair. This site has a tool to find wheel-chair friendly hiking paths. If the sun is too much, consider a walk in a botanical garden, zoo or even a plant nursery.  

3. Buy some disposable cameras to capture summer fun

Photography may have moved digital, but there is nothing like clicking a camera and having real photos developed. Ask the older adult to help you document the season and then turn the pictures into a collage, scrapbook or frame your favorites. It will encourage creativity and provide lasting memories.

4. Create a summer-themed “mini book club” and discuss over the phone

If you don’t live near the older adult. Choose a book club book to read (or listen to) and discuss together on the phone or via zoom. Invite a few other family or friends, or make it just for the two of you. Use the discussion questions for prompts to engage in conversation. Reading is great for brain health and the book club will provide a regular space to connect. The AARP has a list of book clubs to try.  

4. Find a volunteer position as a mentor or tutor 

Mentors and tutors are often needed at local community centers, schools and nonprofits to support students across the lifespan. Volunteering provides a sense of purpose and can lead to lasting connections. These roles can be a great choice for older adults as they have the opportunity to share their wisdom, experience and skills with less commitment than a part-time job. The non-profit, Volunteer Match allows you to filter for opportunities in your community that align with specific interests, be it creative writing, bee-keeping, ESL, math or many other subjects.

Although certain abilities and interests may have shifted, fun-filled and meaningful activities do not have to be out of reach for anyone. With consideration, planning and encouragement, you can help an older loved one continue to do things they care about by adapting plans and creatively engaging with new hobbies.

Happy Summer! 

SOURCES:

CDC

Mayo Clinic

There is no one quite like your kid. Their silly jokes, their creative (sometimes messy) endeavors, and other particularities make them wholly one-of-a-kind. Nurturing their interests and helping them engage with activities they love can help them to develop their individuality and sense of self. However, sometimes parents can inadvertently stifle their child’s originality with their own expectations. By taking care to celebrate their natural talents and interests and managing projection as a parent, you can set up your child to thrive. 

Self-Reflect

Projection is the unconscious process wherein we displace our feelings to someone else. 

Dr Christine B.L. Adams, a child and adult  and psychiatrist, notes, “each child displays specific behaviors, ways of thinking, and ways of experiencing their emotions, depending on the variety of parental conditioning”. Therefore, it is important to notice when your  own “stuff” impacts what you encourage in your child. 

The first step is to ask yourself how your own biases or preferences might impact the kinds of activities you promote. Are your fond memories of baseball making you push the sport  even though your child prefers soccer? Being mindful of your internal motivations is important to avoiding projection. If it is difficult to be objective about this you can also ask close family and friends for feedback. Additionally, by taking time to honor your own interests and passions, you are modeling the importance of doing the things you genuinely care about to your child.

Listen and Learn

Paying attention to the activities your little one gravitates towards or school subjects they take interest in is a great way to hone in on their natural interests. For young children, observe what toys, songs and experiences light them up. For older children you can do this along with engaging in meaningful conversations about what brings them joy or want to try. By fostering open communication and having regular conversations about hopes and dreams you set the scene for your child’s unique development. 

Create Opportunities

Many parents complain that their kids prefer video games and screen time to more active pursuits. It can be a difficult balancing act to allow your child the freedom to do things they like while making sure they participate in diverse and enriching activities. You can encourage curiosity and experimentation by providing your child with a variety of options for fun activities. Maybe they would like to learn to code, bake cookies, organize a lemonade stand, ace a puzzle, or set up a tie dye station in the backyard. By making new activities available to them you will help them to cultivate their interests and creativity. Talk to your child about the benefits of trying new things and seek to compromise about how they spend their time. 

To learn more, check out these resources: 

The Good Enough Podcast: Kids! Parenting When They’re Not Just Like Us

PedsDocTalk Podcast: “I’m not a crafty or elaborate activity planner kind of mom- and I sometimes feel guilty

This article from Time magazine has some great questions to ask kids of all ages about trying new things

Picture this: Dad is in front of the TV, as usual. He used to golf twice a week with his friends. Is there a problem here? This is a common and natural concern, and bridging the gap between what you hope an older adult does with their time and how they prefer to spend it can cause worry and friction. However, there are strategies to bridge this divide. Engaging an older loved one in conversation about their interests and values can lead to a more meaningful connection and an opportunity to learn more about each other. 

There is really no perfect formula for how much time an older adult should be active and engaged versus being more passive or solo. After all, preferences and limitations vary for individuals of all ages. Still, research supports that social engagement is vital for overall well being as it promotes cognitive stimulation and aids mental health (AARP). And of course, socializing can help prevent loneliness, a topic of growing interest due to its many negative impacts on quality of life. Likewise, physical activity is crucial for healthy aging as it promotes strength, balance, heart health, and prevention of chronic disease and falls. Harvard notes that “decades of solid science confirm that exercise improves health and can extend your life.” (Harvard Health).  With this in mind, the instinct to encourage an older adult to do more with their days makes perfect sense. Still, this conversation should be handled with care and the following tips will pave the way for a fruitful talk. 

Lead with Empathy

It is important to understand that your parent or loved one may have adopted a less active lifestyle for a variety of reasons. Research from Baylor University notes that physical ability can impact one’s social life;  “When an individual becomes less mobile, he or she may start to avoid activities and social events, leading to the feeling of isolation”. Indeed, many seniors are adapting to living with chronic pain, stiff joints and a need for more sleep and rest.  Additionally, while rewatching old movies or fiddling with the same gadgets may seem lackluster to you, these routines may be an enormous source of comfort to someone experiencing a season of loss and change. Be sure to consider how the individual’s unique history and circumstances influence their attitudes on adding more to their schedule.

Start Small

Knowing how many benefits there are to be found in increased activity, it might be easy to throw a lot of options out right away. Book clubs, senior centers, and walking groups are all ideas (potentially) worth exploring, but it may be too much, too soon. Focus on exploring interests and offer to help realize one new activity at a time. Be mindful that while you may love to see a packed schedule, your loved one may be satisfied with adding just a few elements of connection and engagement to their lives, or none at all. Also, be prepared to have this conversation over many weeks or months at a pace that feels sustainable. Be clear that your interest is in supporting a happy and well-rounded lifestyle and keep open to how your loved one defines those things, as well.

Exploring Interests Exercise:

Five Questions

The following questions are designed to generate meaningful conversation around activities, preferences and values. Take turns answering so that it becomes a free-flowing conversation. Look out for opportunities to find common ground and shared interests that you can do together.

1. What would a great day be for you? 

• What are 3-5 things that a fun day would include? 
• Consider simple pleasures and gratifying experiences of connection: is it time with the grandkids, being in nature, laughing with a friend?

2.  How do you feel about your current level of activity? 

• Rate your satisfaction on a scale of 1-10.  What could be done to get you closer to 10? What is something you would love to try?
• Dare to dream big!  If your great aunt used to love a beach day but has not been since she started using a wheelchair, know that this desire may not be out of reach. Adaptive tools, like a terrain-friendly wheelchair, can help individuals of varying abilities connect with the world again. 

3. Who do you like to spend time with these days? Is there anyone you wish you could see more often?

• What relationships feel most valuable and how can you make time to nurture these? What kinds of settings do you like to socialize in? 
• You can consider options like setting up a regular coffee date or teaching dad to use Facetime to connect with his brother who lives out of state. Though new technology can feel daunting to adopt, with a bit of patience it can provide a great source of connection. 

4. What are things you loved to do in the past?

• Reflecting on your past, what are some activities and interests you used to love? Are there any past hobbies you would like to try again?
• Reminiscing can help us remember parts of ourselves that have been long dormant. It can also be a way to engage with someone who is experiencing cognitive changes or dementia. Bringing out old pictures, videos or music can be a great way to prompt beloved memories and can stimulate conversation about dusting off the gardening tools, for example. 

5. How do you like to move? 

• What kinds of physical activities do you enjoy  or used to enjoy?

Be sure to consider changes related to mobility and health, along with individual preferences. Walking, tai-chi and swimming are all low-impact activities, and chair exercises can be adapted for a variety of abilities. Talk about ways to add more movement into everyday life that are fun and doable. If maintaining independence is a value to your loved one, you can  highlight that being physically active can support this goal. Check out this article to find seated and standing exercise options.

Modeling Self-Compassion and Mindfulness for our children

When it comes to teaching self-compassion to your kids, the place to start is with the one already on stage, you. Your kids are watching everything you do, including what you tell yourself when you forget something, lose something, burn something… are you saying out loud, “I’m such a clutz” or “I’m a disaster in the kitchen”? It’s just what you are saying to yourself, right?

It’s not like you would say to your child “you are stupid”, but because children learn how to talk to themselves by watching the way you talk to yourself, you could in fact unintentionally be teaching them to tell themselves things like “I’m stupid”. 

How to shift self talk for the whole family

If you find yourself berating yourself out loud, try to model self-compassion by changing your message to something like, “Oh, I shouldn’t talk that way. I know everyone makes mistakes, it’s just part of being human” or “Oops I messed that up. I know how to do better next time”.

Dr. Neff, the leading researcher of the self-compassion concept, shares that self-criticism is a threat to how we perceive ourselves since we become both the “attacker” and the “attacked.”

When we are self-compassionate, we reframe our language by learning to be kind, supportive and understanding when we make mistakes. It’s a tool that will serve our kids well with how they speak to themselves and to others. 

Resources for you and your children

There are lots of resources out there that can help build healthy self-compassion and mindfulness habits in children. We found a few we thought you’d enjoy…

For ages 3-7:

This book, titled “Listening With My Heart” by Gabi Garcia, “reminds us of the other golden rule– to treat ourselves with the same understanding and compassion we give to others.”

The Emotion Motion podcast has 12-17 min. pods featuring Megan the Mermaid’s underwater adventures designed to teach social-emotional learning through tools such as song, dance, deep breathing and stretching. Warning: we cannot promise that you won’t walk into work singing “Emotion motion, emotion motion….” 

For ages 4-10:

The Like You: Mindfulness for Kids podcast introduces a variety of mindfulness exercises about:

• Breathing
• Affirmations
• Music
• Imagination

These activities can help explore their feelings, relieve anxiety, encourage self-esteem, and grow empathy.

breathing, affirmations, music, and imagination to explore feelings, relieve anxiety, encourage self-esteem, and grow empathy. With a voice like Mr. Rogers, he’ll have you wanting to listen. Each pod is 10-18 min. 

Beautiful, busy, tired parent: you’ve got this! You are doing your best and are so precious to those around you! 

Now it’s your turn: “I’m doing my best and am precious to those around me!”

To read about more tips to show self-compassion to yourself to better model it for your children, read more here!